I didn't shave. On purpose
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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