Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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