sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
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