So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
