im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
