he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Life without a bra equals bliss.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
