I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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