I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
