Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
