So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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