Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
