Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
