A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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