twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
