I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
