if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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