While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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