Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Is it penis luge time yet?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
