I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
