the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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