I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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