When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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