Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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