I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I know her cup size but not her name....
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
