Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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