so that wasnt chicken after all
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Your penis caused this!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
