ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
