she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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