it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
