Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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