Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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