Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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