My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
