Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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