i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
