I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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