the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
