we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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