when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Randomize
