your parents love me but you hate me
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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