The best revenge is premature balding
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
