so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
