All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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