we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
third nipple confirmed
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
