apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
