God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
