they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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