where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
