Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
