You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
