Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
