nut hugger
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
