headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
This show inspires me to have sex in space
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
