I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
