if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Did you just see the Batmobile???
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
